i miss writing.

terribly. desperately. i'm afraid i'm no good at it anymore, if i ever was. i want to write passionate things. clever things. contemplative, intelligent things. drivel. anything.

for now, just to dip my toes in, an update:

1. working at my dad's pr firm this summer. love it. great hours, good work. i get to use a different part of my brain than the one that teaches and plans lessons, and i love that. it's good to be forced to do that.

2. i love living in this city. i thought it'd be overrated and too expensive. my apt is a tad over my real budget, but it's great to be able to walk places and explore. and run by the lake. and watch the beautiful fireworks from my rooftop deck that feel so close it's as though they are being screened just for us.

3. i'm beginning to feel a bit more like a grown up with each season. both sucks and is empowering.

4. still love the same boy as i did 2.5 years ago. he loves me back. can't ask for much more. his smile, his arms around me. the nook in his shoulder i can snuggle into. the shirts that i steal from him just to remind me when he's not around i'm part of a unit. whew.

5. i'd say something about school, but i'm trying not to think about it yet.

6. summer is doing me good.

drifting.

tomorrow marks one year since traveling to niagara falls, boston, cleveland, and notre dame. since then, i have progressed almost zero percent.

i am still living at home. i still don't have a full time job. i could probably afford to move out, but it doesn't make sense to move out with only a part time job.

everything seems kind of hard, and i hate it.

still crazy in love, as beyonce says. i found a good one, and am excited at the possibility of a future. someday.

i'm still trying to figure out who i am and what i want to do with my life, but i'm assuming this is an ongoing process that may never be complete, and am trying to accept that.

i miss writing here.

i started writing down the highlights of my days in a yellow legal notepad, but it's not the same, and i tend to always write more than just my highlight.

i recently ran my first two 5ks, two days apart from each other. i am proud to say i did it in under 30 minutes the first time, and proudly crossed the finish line with the boy next to me. the other was a little over 30 minutes, but i'm still proud. it was through miller park and around the parking lots, and i was able to cross the finish line with chris. we aren't awesome, but we finished and i'm proud of us.

i saw a movie called (500) days of summer last night, and loved it. i love movies about love that aren't predictable romantic comedies. i would never call it a date movie, although my boyfriend and i walked out of it a little more in love than we were when we went in, i think. "can i buy you a drink?" he asked when we walked out and grabbed my hand.

i miss writing.

i miss reading.

i haven't had summer yet - been teaching summer school since two weeks after school ended. only four more days and a lot to cover. summer will begin on the 30th. i will have two weeks before meetings start and before i start hyperventilating about teaching two classes i've never taught before in my life, at which point i will no longer have a life and will be planning hour upon hour. i can already feel my social life slipping away.

i miss not having responsibilities.

valentine's.

we went to the admiral's game on friday - i was exhausted after two [big] glasses of wine to "relax" after work. all they did was make me want to crawl into bed and sleep. he still held my hand, kissed my forehead as i struggled to keep my head up and mind in the game. someone proposed during a break between periods, or during a time out. i can't remember now. i watched even after the cameras were off, wondering how a couple transitions from "we're now engaged at a hockey game" to "let's go have a hot dog and head back to section 212." overtime came, still tied. lost in a shoot out. exciting, but the best part was the walk to the car, the ride to my car, the sweet goodbye.

saturday - lunch at cousin's, buy one-get one free. home to shower, put some makeup on, tried to look pretty. afternoon movie - he's just not that into you. good to see ben affleck again. especially in the only realistic storyline featured. sentry to pick up $41 of ingredients to make dinner for each other. used one cup of dry red wine, instead of 1/2. didn't strain the noodles. tasted terrible. pizza hut delivery instead - it was delicious.

funny cards, freaks and geeks/madden '09 swap. kisses. drilbit taylor. fell asleep during sleepless in seattle, woke up in his arms.

denny's breakfast/lunch today.

inexhaustibly happy.

where the flip did winter come from??

according to weather.com this morning when i got to school, it was 13 degrees, but felt like -1.

there's all this snow, all at once... and it feels like it was 45 degrees a week ago.

it really is beginning to look a lot like christmas, and because of that, i'm starting to freak out/stress out about the fact that i have done zero things re: gifting family. well, i accidentally came across something for my dad at halmark, but other than that, i have nothing. yikes.

this week has been a slow one for me. i'm not sure if it was because it was the first full week after thanksgiving break, or because it's getting so cold, or because i need to get more sleep... but it's been long, and i'm ready for the weekend and to move on.

my students have been a little more subdued this week as well... i think they're still in turkey comas from a week ago, and i do not expect it to continue into next week.

as a side note, speaking of school, we have off of school on inauguration day, which happens to be the day after martin luther king, jr. day... so hooray having a monday and tuesday off in january.

i left school around noon today to hike to chris's; he just lost his back up job and was consequently home for the day, obviously unhappy, so we had a play day where we could watch tv, nap and other misc. things. it was a lovely eight hours.

i saw a stack of a printed photo of us on his kitchen table next to his family's thanksgiving pictures and chris picked them up and said, "oh yeah, we're going in christmas cards this year; hope you don't mind..." (cropped and with a pretty white, official-looking border, but still with booze in the background.) i've never been in someone else's christmas cards to family and friends, and it makes me feel even more as though i'm where i belong.

i laughed at the fact that it was no big deal to any of them, that it's just what they do - family and friends are kept informed. maybe it's not anything to them, but it was kind of a deal to me. it was surprising in a good way - i'm a girl, and things like that make me happy.

stay warm.

ps - the office? hilarious.

i have gained approximately eight pounds.

i'm not sure when this occurred exactly, but i'm definitely starting to see, and feel, the effects.

i have eaten culver's chili cheese fries more times than i can count in any given three month period since i was 15. why three months? because i could probably count any time span less than that. [anywhere from three to eight times a month.] okay, so i could probably count three months. it's a rarity if i go one week without ordering the comfort-snack.

even this picture makes my mouth water.

it may sound gross, but to me it's delicious, and has never mattered before this school year. maybe it's because i no longer go to college and consequently no longer do things like walk more than the distance from my classroom to the copy machine, maybe it's because i'm getting older, maybe it's because my body is just finally saying 'enough'. either way, i used to revel in the fact that i could eat most anything while others sometimes had to watch it.

obviously i was never hard as a rock, fit as a fiddle, or toned whatsoever; i've always been soft all over, but never too self conscious about anything.

maybe the fact that i eat more than my boyfriend has something to do with my new-found self-consciousness, although i feel as though that's been the case since i was 16. maybe it is the fact that he makes an effort to go to the gym multiple times a week, while i hit the culver's drive-thru again. or maybe it's just the simple fact that i can't walk up the three flights of stairs when i substitute on the third floor without getting seriously winded and stopping at the bubbler.

regardless of what it is, i don't like it.

however, i've never had the willpower to do pretty much anything, let alone set myself up with a workout/diet plan. i don't even necessarily want to lose boatloads of weight, i just don't want to gain anymore weight.

everyday i say to myself, 'tomorrow i will have smaller portions... but today i'll have six pieces of pizza and an entire bag of ceasar salad.' who am i?! it's like i'm eating to get into the higher weight class in wrestling.

ah well. maybe... next week i'll start looking at gym packages.

happy thanksgiving!

i had my classes make an "I am thankful for..." list this week to share with the class yesterday. although they didn't quite get the concept [it was supposed to be about the 'little things' - things that wouldn't normally make a 'traditional' thanksgiving list... i.e. my list included eclipse spearmint gum, culver's chili cheese fries, and left-handed desks] it was still hilarious to listen to.

one girl was thankful for her haters.

a boy said he was thankful for his looks [and when i started giggling in the back he looked at me and said, 'what are YOU laughing at, ms. BROWN?!' oops.].

wendy's bacon cheeseburgers made some lists, along with burger king jr. whoppers [i was getting very hungry listening to those].

however, my favorite so far, since i haven't read all of the lists yet, was a freshman boy who said, "I am thankful for girls, girls, girls, because they sexy and got what i need."

i don't believe a comment is necessary for that.

i hope your thanksgiving is wonderful, and you remember to be thankful for the little things as well:)

as for me, i'll be having a little thanksgiving lunch at my house with my mom, her husband, and chris, before i have to leave for work at the restaurant at 2. it's really lame, and i hate that i have to go. i guess if i have to be there, i hope i at least make a solid $10 before leaving at 6.

afterward i'll be heading to chris's aunt's to mooch some leftovers, and then have a little date night. it's our first real holiday together; i'm looking forward to it.

re: black friday... we had discussed partaking in the festivities for the first time after having to work it so many years in a row, but i'm not sure there's anything worth standing in line for at 3 in the morning. we'll see.


happy thanksgiving; eat a socially unacceptable amount today:)

i have become blissfully boring.

i told someone once, months ago, that since i started my new relationship, my life has become boring. no stories to tell, no drama to talk about.

i believe this is the reason why my blog no longer speaks to me as often as it used to. now i think about what to post about, and all i can come up with is my happiness at the moment. bo-ring.:)

i could talk about how i'm getting sick, and how i can't afford to when i have 70 papers to edit and waitressing on saturday, how i can't breathe out of my nose, and how i haven't slept more than 7 hours in a night in forever. instead i want to say that the highlight of my day was when i found out he told the story of the night he told me he loved me to a friend of his, and that friend now considers it his favorite chris story.

i wish for the sake of my writing practice as well as entertainment for my friends i had something dramatic to tell, something to complain about. instead, i have these moments that i want to write down, but for myself, not for the internet.

sigh.

i'll have a story to tell soon, something stupid to complain about, or feel compelled to write an entertaining post for the nosy people that don't think facebook is an easy enough stalking tool. [a-hem, for the record, i am one of those people and wish blogs were a requirement:)]

first i need to get my seven hours in.

i really meant to update...

i had this idea in my head after the last few posts that i was going to post once a day again. if not that often, at least once every two.

life gets in the way, although i'm not really sure how.

i do remember the week of the office post my mom went out of town, the boy stayed with me and i was asleep by nine all week. then i had no idea what unit i was going to teach my writers workshop, and had to worry about grading papers for another week. [i'll try this updating-more-often thing again.]

my first quarter as a teacher has passed. it was a lot better than i thought it would be... probably because i only teach part time and have just one prep. either way, 1/4 of the year is down.

parent/teacher conferences were last week; i had done them as a student teacher, so i wasn't too worried about it. rightly so, as none of them went terribly wrong. i only had one awkward one, my first actually, where the parent reprimanded her child for five minutes while i awkwardly scribbled on a notepad and pretended to look at my computer screen. other than that, they went well.

i was on the 6:00 news the other day, which was hilarious. it was an ambush, and i looked ridiculous.

i'm working this thanksgiving at the restaurant. i'm not sure what time, b/c i haven't worked in a couple of weeks to look at the schedule posted on the break table, but i'm actually not upset by it. thanksgiving at my house consists of me, my mom, and her husband... thrilling. i'd rather eat the leftovers. [what restaurant is open on thanksgiving anyway?? i will definitely be judging the people that come in to eat.]

i've been hanging out with the boy a lot lately. we haven't been doing much aside from just catching up, chatting, sitting, going to the mall, enjoying each other's company. it's been nice, and i'm loving the world we're in.

all for now.

wish me luck finding time to post again soon.

"it squeaks when you bang it. that's what she said."

i love the office.

[i thought i had lost the dwight bobblehead i got for my birthday last march, but i accidentally found it in a box a week or two ago. i really need to display it somewhere.]

this season is proving to be much more enjoyable than the post-strike episodes from last season... you know, dinner party and on. not so great.

i'm overjoyed to have someone to laugh at the office with again. i haven't really had that since those average post-strike episodes, really.

[what seems like forever ago... the boy used to skip the last half of his night class to come over to my apt to watch the office and it's always sunny. we'd have a few drinks and by the time it's always sunny came on, i tended to be too buzzed up to stay quiet and we'd miss it. i can't help the fact that i get chatty... at least now that we're at home with jobs it's strictly episode-watching.]

here's to michael scott, dwight schrute, jim halpert... etc. thursdays are always brighter with them.



"Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman Fast Car. And my personal favorite: Short People."

one more thing...

i'm totally a mac person now. i was given one when i got my job at the school, and i can't get enough of it.

this is important because when i first got it, i HATED it. more than hated. not the system, because i hadn't even given it a chance, but that fact that NOTHING was the same. it was like the mac people decided to look at how a pc works and do everything the exact opposite.

now that i've got it mostly figured out, i can't get enough of it. i want to throw my pc out the window and never look back. the only downside to this is that when i get a full time job at a different school, i will probably get a pc. i don't know any school that is so full of macs as the one i'm currently at. there are no pcs. all of the labs, the library, the teacher's computers... everything is a mac.

i'm a mac. you're the pc.

four months.

it's been a solid four months a few days after since i've even attempted to hit up the blogger website, and probably a while before that lonely post as well.

i found myself looking back on the past four years of posts and smiling to myself, mostly at the angst i felt for so long.

if nothing else, this blog is a reminder of anything worth mentioning that has happened in my life, and, for posterity's sake, i'd like to remember this phase in my life just as much as the last.

things worth mentioning that deserved their own post but too much time has gone by to dwell on them for more than a few sentences:

1. i went to niagara falls and boston with the bf. it was amazing. if we are still together in five years you will find us both in boston... or at least in a nearby suburb. i'll forward my address.

niagara falls was beautiful, and the perfect day-trip if you ever look for something to do. it's poncho-filled, but worth it.

boston... there are too many great things to say. go.

2. i have two new jobs - waitressing at claim jumper a few nights a week, and teaching freshman english part time at a catholic school in milwaukee. the latter is pretty great. i have nothing but amazing things to say about the school, the administration, the faculty... it's a great place to work. the kids are hilarious.

it was a little intimidating on the first day of school being in such an urban setting (the catholic schools i went to growing up... not so urban. whitewater? even less.), but it's great, and i generally enjoy going to school everyday. obviously i have a class that is obnoxious, and some students make my life super hard, but for the most part... it's great.

3. i still live at home. enough said.

4. my boyfriend still lives at home. enough said.

5. i'm in love. i don't remember the last time i was this consistently happy. we are a good match. we have fun together. he's probably the reason why, if i kept up with this blog, the posts would be less angsty and more cheerful. [it's okay to gag, i'm not apologizing.:)] we've been dating about nine months, and i just feel so loved in every way. [have you ever heard of the 'infatuation stage'? some say it can last from two months to two years before couples move on to the 'real life' problems...] there aren't any of those "wow he's so great... except for this one thing...".

side note: if anything happens to us, and i look back on this post or i'm sure the ones that follow, i'll probably be embarrassed, but i'm unashamed of my happiness at the moment.

i haven't felt like i fit with someone like this before. barf. :)

6. i bought a new car. it's not actually in my possession as of yet, but it's a 2009 honda civic, and i can't wait... especially since my poor 95 cavalier just died while i was reversing out of my garage to go to the mechanic.

i should have the new one in a couple of weeks; i ordered a fresh one, right from the factory, so i'm waiting super impatiently for it. atomic blue. i could have silver sooner, but silver just doesn't have any personality, and abounds on the road these days. right? right.

7. i miss my friends. between teaching, waitressing, and the infatuation stage, i have had almost zero time to see all of my favorite people. everyone is growing up, and the more 'real' everyone's jobs are, the harder it is to coordinate schedules, it would seem. it's kind of scary, actually. one of my fellow 'class of '03' coworkers at school said to me once, as a side note, "...and i'm just so busy and in a phase where if you're not a teacher i don't want to talk to you." i understand, and can understand why everyone else with a job might feel the same way. it's hard talking to people about the main focus of your life when they have no idea what you're going through.

8. i have a date night! saturday nights. i've never had a routine date night, but it's been a pleasure. i've been to concerts, comedy shows, movies, dinners, usually to things we've never been to. it's an effort to take a break and experience things, and it's nice.

9. i can no longer handle any alcohol whatsoever. the past handful of times i have attempted to drink the same amounts i used to, i get about halfway before i completely blackout and make a fool out of myself. since this is usually a phase saved for college, i am no longer really drinking. blacking out at your ex-boyfriend's going away party at a bar and throwing up over the railing into the milwaukee river is not cute. nor is vomiting on your own driveway for five minutes after your friend had to drive you home. or laying on your driveway and refusing to go in the house for no reason other than the cement seems so comfortable to pass out on. i used to be such a good drinker, too! it's a little disappointing.

10. i shape the minds of students. i know one of my numbers listed my new job, but i feel as though this one deserves its own number. sometimes i stand in front of my kids and have an out-of-body experience. they're all looking at me, listening to me, [sometimes] doing what i ask them to do. they depend on me to learn something every day they walk into my classroom. it's crazy! i never would have thought there would be so much pressure on me on a daily basis.

i suppose that's all for right now. i'm exhausted, and should either do something productive or take a nap. which in itself is usually productive, i suppose.

i hope you're doing well, oh internet land. hopefully i'm back for a little bit.

waitress again.

i officially have my old serving job back, starting next week. although i am relieved to not have to worry about making money for a while, i can't help but dread it. after actually doing what my degree and license are for, it's going to be rough waiting on tables i think.

at least now i can focus more on getting a "real" job, right? keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

on an unrelated note, my mom's side of the family is getting into town tomorrow, and i'm actually looking forward to it. not only will it be my last hoorah before going back into the workforce, but since we only ever see eachother once a year b/c we're all over the country, it will be good to be able to catch up.

alright. off i go to spend my last precious day free from commitments.

official!

two different hotels in boston are officially booked for july 29 - august 5. no going back now, and i am so excited i want to jump up and down. two more hotels to book and planning in between needs to be fine-tuned, but i am ready for my first road trip.

my dad asked me today why i was going. "to see things i haven't seen before. don't you want to see niagara falls?" "why?" he asked. i was so confused, but i think he just wanted to know why now, why there, why this boy.

i am currently enjoying perhaps the last two weeks i will ever be unemployed [unless i lose my job after getting one] and loving every second of it. i have said i wanted to go somewhere every summer for the past three years. i'm finally doing it, and i think i deserve it. i've always wanted to see boston, and i feel like i have seen so little of the country that i live in, that it's something i want to explore. as for the boy, i can't imagine going with anyone else right now.